Ask the Marauders
by reporterXgirl
Summary: Ask the Marauders, a advise column started by the infamous, SEXY, trouble making Padfoot aka Sirius started out as an innocent thing untill it causes James to find out all his best friends are dating Evans and Lily is friends with Snape. rewritten.
1. Chapter 1 The Advice Column

_For those who have previously read this story and asked for more detail I have rewritten chapters 2 and 3. Thanks for your advice._

Disclaimer: I don't own anything J.K. Rowling came up with.

Ch 1 The Advice Column

"Who the _BLOODY HELL!_ are the Marauders!?!," said Remus.

"Remus," said Lily reproachfully, "I thought you were smarter than that. Five points from Gryffindor for language. And I thought you guys were the _Marauders_!

"I didn't say that Lily, you know I wouldn't, it was in this letter" said Remus.

"What letter," said Lily. "

This letter," Lils said Sirius. Showing her the piece of parchment.

"_What_ is this _Remus_! Is this what I think it is. An advice column by the Marauders??? Who would write to you?" said Lily.

"Well, obviously some one has because your _holding_ it Evans," said James.

"Don't try to be smart with me Potter!," said Lily.

"It is indeed an advice column, seriously Lils,"said Sirius.

"Sirius, stop calling me Lils, its positively annoying!," said Lily.

"Ok _Lils_," grinned Sirius. "Gits," Lily muttered under her breath.

"Didn't catch that Lil's, what did you say,"said Sirius.

"Bloody Hell stop calling me Lils!," said Lily "I'm leaving!"

"Padfoot didn't mean that Evans, did you Padfoot," said James glaring Sirius.

"You're not any better Potter! Messing up your stupid hair and jinxing everyone just because you can! You make me sick!!!, I'm really leaving now and I mean it!," said Lilly.

"Evans!," yelled James. She didn't even turn around Padfoot," James to Sirius.

"Bad luck Prongs,"replied Sirius.

"Hey, Prong's let's look at our letter!," said Sirius.

"OK, Padfoot, what does it say," said James taking a big bite of bacon off his plate.

"It says," went Sirius "James did you know that all your best friends are dating Evans?"

"WHAT!," said James choking on a piece of bacon. "How, in the _bloody hell_ could you do this to me guys..."

"Hey, Prongs," said Peter "Do you want me to record this as you response to the letter?" Holding his quill ready in his hand.

"I _don't_ care about bloody responses Wormtail! Is this true? Are you serious!,"said a _very_ angry James.

"Yes, I'm Sirius," said Sirius.

"Stupid git with his puns!," said James. "Moony," said James turning to Remus "is this true!"

"Technically, yes Prongs," said Remus not even looking up from his copy of _Defensive Magic grade 6_ that was propped up against an orange juice jug.

"_What!_," yelped James totally losing his appetite "i thought you guys were my friends! How could you do this!"

"We are," said Sirius. "We never said we were going out with _Lily_ Evans! I'm going out with Lottie Evans, she's Lily's cousin and a dam good snogger grinned Sirius. And Moony is going with cutie Ottie Evan, Lottie's sister, i'm not sure if she's a good snogger, you'll have to ask Moony," grining at an embarrassed Remus behind his book. _And_ lets not forget Wormtail..."

"You mean someone's _actually_ going out with Wormtail!," interrupted James. "I'm beginning to doubt you Padfoot, Wormtail dating, come on, you could do better than that! And how come I have never seen any of these girls!, they must hang out with Lilly!"

"Prongs, mate, I think your infatuation with Lilly has made you not notice any other girls," said Sirius.

"Why are these girl's so darn related!" said James, "the next thing you'll tell me Lily's friends with Snape!"

"Well, technically...," said Remus.

"Not another one of your _technicallyies_ Moony," interrupted James.

"Well, this is true Prong's I'm serious, I see them walking around _together all the time_, walking into the _bathroom_," said Sirius grinning at the shocked look on James.

"Lily likes Snape!," said James shocked at this news.

"Yes, Prongs old mate, Lilly's friends with Libby Snape," smirked Sirius.

"_PADFOOT_," James said you almost gave me a heart attack! I mean Severus Snape, come on."

"I'm glad you caught on Prongs," smirked Sirius.

"Come on Padfoot it wasn't _that_ obvious!," retorted James.

"It was _very_ obvious Prongs," said Sirius.

"Was not," said James.

"Was too," said Sirius.

"WAS NOT," said James.

"WAS TOO," said Sirius.

"WAS NOT," said James.

"WAS TOO," said Sirius.

"WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP," yelled Remus "I'm trying to read _A Revised Version of Hogwarts a History_!"

"For what Moony, the 5,000th time!," said Sirius

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	2. Chapter 2 She's Mad

ch 2 She's Mad

"Oh,"said Remus looking at their schedule during breakfast. "We have classes with the Ravenclaw's this week."

"Yah!," cheered Peter "No more Snape!."

"Ahhh!," said James and Sirius in unison "We--"

"I thought you guys hated Snape," interrupted Remus "Why do you want to see him?"

"Because Moony, mate," grinned Sirius " We were going to try this new hex on ol' Snivellus that turns his hair bright pink with green spots."

"Cool!," squeaked Peter.

"Don't worry Padfoot," said James in sympathetic tone turning to Sirius "We can hex Snivellus next week or actually any time we see him"

"I can't bloody wait!" said Sirius excitedly.

"Sirius," said a disapproving Lily "You're not going to hex Severus ,are you? for like the 5 millionth time!"

"No, Lils," said Sirius "Me and Prongs are going to hex o' Snivelli, and for the 5 millionth and one time to be exact."

"You're actually counting?," grinned Remus looking up from his book Charms for the Charmed.

"No Moony," said Sirius "5 millionth and one just sounds better that 5 millionth."

"Yah," said James with his mouth full of bacon "five millionth and one does sound better! We should make it Marauder's rule 567. "Never--"

"When are you two going to grow up," interrupted Lily disgusted at James and Sirius.

"We are grown up," said Sirius pretending to be serious. "We're going to be seventeen next year, of age!".

"And," said James as though this was the most exciting thing in the world "We will be able to drink firewisky legally!"

"Is this all guys think about!," said a frustrated Lily "drinking firewisky, Quidditch, and pranks!"

"You forgot lilies," said James.

"Why would guys think about flowers," said Lily changing from mad to confused.

"Not flowers Lils," smirked Sirius "Lily, Lily Evans."

"I wouldn't go out with you in a million years Potter!," raged Lily.

"Well," said James "Then a million years to you must mean a week to me then."

"POTTER!, YOUR A BLOODY, FUCKING, ARROGANT, BERK, and I wouldn't date you in one week, one day or one second!" yelled Lily getting up to sit at the other end of the table.

As James's eyes tried to find Lily's new spot at the table he saw something red behind Sirius at the Ravenclaw table. It wasn't Lily's hair, but tomato earrings. Who would be crazy enough to wear tomato earrings along with a paperclip necklace and bracelet that looked like it was made from a chocolate frog card? To complete her dottiness she was reading a magazine upside down.

"She's a bit odd, isn't she?" James asked.

"Not really," said Sirius "She just isn't Joe."

"Someday you're going to have to explain this Joe business to me," said James "But I wonder where those earrings tomato's came from. They're a bit quirky aren't they."

"I got them at hogsmead in Hogwashes Rubbish. Half off and quite a good deal if I say so myself," said a girl turning around to face the Gryfindor table. "They even had all sorts of other vegetables but tomatoes are by far my favorite. Did you even know that by Balderdashes third law states tomato's get their red color from amazon honeybees, in read it in the Quibler and that-"

"What is your name Quibler reader," said Sirius sarcastically.

"Mydal, but most people call me Mad," she said going back to reading the Quibbler unbothered why she was asked a question by a random person.

"Padfoot you're so random," said James.

"Crazy people don't care about random people," said Sirius.

"I'm not sure I'd call her crazy, just a bit eccentric," said Remus taking in her odd appearance and unusual reading material.

"A bit eccentric?," said James "She was reading the Quibbler, upside down"

"Hey," said Sirius suddenly "Isn't mydal a name of a muggle medicine?"

"No, that midol, Padfoot," said Remus.

"How do you, know that Moony, it's not like you take it!," said Sirius.

"Well, said Remus sheepily "I do"

"WHAT!," said Sirius shocked "You trust that muggle crap! How do you know it works! How do you know it doesn't kill you!"

"Well," interrupted James "Moony's not dead.

"Shut it Prongs!," said an angry Sirius.

"Honestly, Padfoot, you should take Muggle Studies," said Remus "then you would find out that not everything muggles do is a complete waste."

"Well," said Sirius " I heard from Frank that muggles stare at a box for hours. Is that a complete waste of time or what!"

"Padfoot," said Remus trying to be patient "that's a television, and its quite cool and--"

"I don't need to know about bloody muggle crap!," said a flaming Sirius "I happen to know how to do magic!"

"Fine! I'm bloody leaving," said Remus finally losing his temper as he packed up his books and left for the common room.

"Hey, Padfoot," said James excitedly "I know what Mad was staring at."

"What?" said Sirius.

"Moony" said James "her eyes followed him when he walked away."

"So," said Sirius "He made a scene."

"No, I think he was what she was staring at the whole time," said James.

"No way," said Sirius "Nobody in their right mind would like Moony."

"Well," said James "I wouldn't she's in her right mind."

"Now I can't wait to tell Moony he has a crazy stalker," said Sirius taking his last bite of toast thinking of how fun it would be to torture Remus.

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	3. Chapter 3 The Test

ch 3 The Test

"HEY PADFOOT," said an excited James "There's a letter on your head! No!, make that two letters, no three letters, no--"

Sirius and James yelling while the rest of the table was sleepy was a usual breakfast routine. People came to assumed it was because they drank lots of coffee in the morning. But Remus knew they were always just hyper or smashed or both.

"Uh, Prongs you don't need to shout, I'm sitting right next to you," said an annoyed Sirius.

"Soooooo, lets open them," said James throwing a letter at Sirius.

"Okay Prongs," said Sirius "Don't wet yourself!"

"It reads," said Sirius opening the letter that James threw in his cereal. "To the dearest Sex God Sirius," read Sirius grinning "you are Hogwarts number one hottie and what you did last night was utterly amazing! That James sitting next to you is the mostest hideous thing--"

"HEY!," said James "Give me that letter, I need to burn it up, flush it down the toilet and--."

"I don't think that's possible Prongs," said Remus " You can't--"

Mean while James tried to snatch the letter out of Sirius hand.

"HEY! you prat it does not say that!," said James grabbing the letter" It says Dear Marauders, NOT--"

"To the dearest Sex God Sirius," suggested Sirius grinning.

"NOOOOOOO," you perverted sicko!!!," said James.

"Look who's talking," said Sirius.

"What is that suppose to mean," said James.

"We all know you have the mostest--"

"That's not a word Padfoot," interrupted Remus.

"You know he's more perverted then me," said Sirius confidently.

"I wouldn't be so sure!" said James.

"Ok you two!" said Remus "I'm going to give you two the "Are you Perverted Test."

"Who thought of that name," said James "It's lame."

"It should be called," said Sirius "Have you been having--"

"Sickos," said Remus interrupting.

"I was just saying," said Sirius "Have you been having a wonderful time in--"

" i Bed /i ," said James.

Both James and Sirius started sniggering.

"You guys are going to get like--," said Remus.

"Oh my god!," said Sirius "Moony said like!, he's turning into a valley girl."

"Ahhhhhh!," said James "Get him away from me!"

"He needs to be taken to St. Mungo's!," said Sirius in a fake terror voice.

"QUICK, Prongs," said Sirius "conger up a stretchercher!, Call 1-800-MY-FRIENDS-TURNING-INTO-A-VALLEY-GIRL!

"GET THE PHONE quick Wormtail" said Sirus!

"He's to wrapped up in eating Padfoot!, " said James "We're going to die!"

"You stupid dolts!," said Remus "Put me down or you woun't like--"

Both Sirius and James cringed.

"--get to take the "Are You Perverted Test" if you ship me off to St. Mungos!"

"Ok," said both said Sirius "I know I'm going to get a better score then Prongs here."

"Uh," said Remus "You don't want to get a high score, the higher the score the more--".

"We get it," said James "Lets begin!"

"Well first number your parchment from one to nine," said Remus.

"How is numbering your paper from one to nine a dirty thought," said James.

"This is not the test," said Remus "you dumb as--"

"Do you need to take this test Moony?," said Sirius grinning.

"Oh shit!," said Remus looking at his watch "We--"

"Moony definitely has to take the test," said Sirius to James.

"--We are suppose to be in Professor Slughorn's class in three minutes!" said Remus.

"Hey wake up!," said Sirius to Ben who had dozed off with his head currently in his breakfast.

They had all been kept up late last night because Remus had tried to make them cram in an all nighter for their potions test which James and Sirius just turned into a party. And Ben who was not used to studying late or partying needed more sleep then the others.

"Whack him with your bat Padfoot!," said James.

"You carry your beater bat with you?" said Remus "I'm not going to ask!"

Sirius whacked Ben on the head with the bat.

"What the!," said Ben sleepily.

"We have to be in Slughorn's class in three, I mean two minutes," said Remus.

"Holy shit!," said Ben.

"He needs to take the test to," said Sirius grinning.

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	4. Chapter 4 Are You Lying?

ch 4 Are You Lying

As Sirius once said Ben was like Joe. Nobody knew what he was talking about until he further explained it. Sirius said because average people are called average Joes and Ben is an average person he is like Joe. And like most average people Ben got in trouble once in awhile.

"Are you popping gum Mr. Weasley," said Professor Slughorn to Ben.

"Uh, no sir," said Ben to quickly.

"Are you chewing gum?" said Professor Slughorn.

"Um, no professor," said Ben nervously.

"Is there gum in your mouth," said Professor Slughorn.

"Uhh, no, sir," said Ben guiltily.

"Are you lying to me?" said Professor Slughorn.

"Yes, oh shit!" said Ben

"Then please spit that gum out then Mr. Weasley," said Profesor Slughorn.

"Ooh," said Sirius "Are we playing twenty questions?" said Sirius catching on and not waiting for a response.

"Soooo Benny Boy!, "Question five: Have you had fun in bed?" said Sirius.

"That is totally inappropriate!," said Remus kicking Sirius under the table.

"Owwww!," said Sirius.

"It hurt?," said James sniggering.

"NO!," it did not hurt!" said Sirius "I'm a professional!"

"I'm more professional then you," said James!

"No!," said Sirius I've done it --"

"You guys are soooooo, like sick!" said Remus.

"Ahhhhhhhhhh," said Sirius call 1-800--"

"You dumb as--" said Remus.

"So we have to give you the test again?" said James.

"We haven't taken the test yet," said Remus.

"The test for how much fun Moony has with Ben--NO!," blurted Sirius OH SHIT!, that sounded wrong!

"Well it is." said James cracking up.

"NOoo! I meant how much fun Moony has had fun in BED," said Sirius trying to talk over James sniggering.

"To get one stait--" said Remus.

"I'm not," suggested Sirius.

"Shut it Padfoot! I'M NOT GAY!," Remus yelled unfortunately to the whole class."

The whole class started cracking up.

"Well that great to know Moony," said James.

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	5. Chapter 5 70's SPEW

Chapter 5 70's SPEW

Authors note: Thanks to Harrypotterwriter456 and harrypotterfan2011 for the reviews.

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"Hey, Prongs if you lean in closely you can hear the popping," said Sirius excitedly.

"Do I even want to know what the hell you guys are talking about," said Remus sitting down next to them in the great hall.

"I don't know, but if it has to do with Sirius and James it is probably perverted," said Ben.

"Hey!," said James "Just because you caught me looking up Lily's skirt-"

"Hah! caught in confession!" said Sirius

"Oi Padfoot!" said James "you just looked up that blond girl's skirt"

"Well," said Sirius rebounding "I never said it was wrong!"

"You guys are sick," said Remus shaking his head going back to reading his book.

"So, guys what was popping," said Ben attempting to change the subject, he really didn't want everyone to hear his best friends talking about looking up girls skirts.

"Popping?," said Sirius "Oh, that was just Prong's Rice Crispy cereal."

"Cereal?" said Ben, now it was his turn to be slightly confused. "Cereal for what?"

"For eating dumb ass," said Sirius as he turned to James "I thought everyone knew that! Didn't you know that?"

"I guess, someone got hit hard with a bludger," said James snickering.

"No," said Ben "that wasn't the point. and I don't even play quidith. And what the hell happened to the toast, the pancakes the sausages, the usual shit load of breakfast stuff.

Ben looked down the long great hall table and saw all the delicious food had been replaced by boxes of cereal. He picked up the closest box and read "Economy Size Sugar Pops" and had the word "Eat" written in girly handwriting before it and "for House Elf rights" after it. So, correctly the whole box said "Eat Economy Size Sugar Pops for House Elf Rights". House Elf rights? What did cereal have to do with House Elf rights?

"Hey Ben," said Sirius "why the hell are you staring at that cereal box."

"Well, read it," said Ben.

"So, what house elves have the right to eat cereal if they want," said Sirius quickly getting back to staring at the blond girl who was walking up the aisle between the table. and apparently she noticed.

"Do you have a problem," she said "Why are you staring at me."

Ben looked at her to see what Sirius thought was so great about this girl. Well, she was pretty alright with long blond hair, he didn't particularly like blond hair. It was the type of blond hair in which you could see the brown roots starting to show. And she was holding a box of the house elf right cereal and had a button on her shirt that said "Eat cereal, free house elves."

Then he heard Sirius say "I have a problem, you're so hot your burning me up."

"So, burn up," she said "I'm busy."

She was she was placing the cereal boxes on the the tables.

"Hey what's your name come back here!", said Ben "what are you doing with the cereal boxes."

"Cereal boxes, oh they're to free up the house elves so they don't have to cook breakfast, she said "and my name's Chrissy, not what's your name. Then she hurried away before Sirius could get to talk to her.

"So Padfoot," said James "there's finally is a girl that doesn't like you."

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Authors note: Hey, I hoped you liked the chapter. I got the inspiration while eating my own box of cereal. Please review so I know if people are interested in reading future chapters.


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